Shattered

Have you ever had a broken heart? It hurts.

I have a tender heart, so my heart often breaks.  It breaks over all the injustice in the world, it breaks when someone I love is hurting, it breaks when I have hurt someone.  My heart even breaks when I watch the Sarah Mclachlan commercials of abused pets that need to be adopted. 

Has your heart ever been shattered? 

It's different than being broken.  When it's broken, all the pieces can go back together.  When it's shattered it's hard to find all the tiny little pieces and put them back together.  Think of a plate that breaks in half versus a plate that shatters in to tiny little slivers. Although it's noticeable, a broken plate can be glued back together.  It takes lots of time to find all the pieces and glue back together a shattered plate. And most likely, you won't find every single little piece. A plate that shatters will never be the same.

So far, my heart has shattered twice in my life.  Both times, I was changed in ways that I would never take back.  I learned more about God, myself and life.  It was also the hardest times to get through... taking lots of time to heal and put my heart back together again. 
I was bracing myself for the shattering on Thursday when I said goodbye to my foster-son.  I have been preparing myself to pick up all the tiny slivers of my heart and put it back together.  And then... it didn't. 

Something different happened that my heart has never endured.  I willingly ripped out a piece of my own heart and buckled it in that carseat on Thursday.  I can honeslty say it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  It was also the best thing I have ever done in my life.   To make a choice to give a piece of your heart away is painful and rewarding all at the same time. 

God gave Joel and I a beautiful gift in that moment.  After trying to teach our 11 month old foster son how to wave for months, he finally did that day as we said goodbye.  And he kept waving and waving at us as tears were streaming down our faces.  It was a beautiful moment that will be a video in my head forever. 

In our human nature, it seems wrong to give a piece of our heart away.  Why would we put ourselves through that pain?  When you love as God has loved us... it's not even a question.