Last Monday, February 21st was my original due date for the baby I lost last summer. I always thought that this date would be hard, but the day turned out to be more than I could have asked or imagined.
I really thought that by February 21st, we would have another baby on the way. That should help me to move on, get through the day and the feeling of emptiness with the one we lost. From the time we lost ours, a lot of people would say, "don't worry, you will get pregnant again." I knew right away that I needed to give grace to those that were really trying to help... not always knowing the right thing to say. The truth is, another pregnancy doesn't replace the one I have lost. There is still a mourning and an emptiness that goes with a miscarriage. And, even though I knew this in my head I was still hoping that when February 21st rolled around I would be pregnant; having that to look forward to, helping me get through that day.
Well, that day did come up and I wasn't pregnant (still am not). Even though consciously I wasn't aware that I really was putting my hope in another pregnancy, I was. So as the day approached and I didn't have another baby to look forward to, I was faced with the still emptiness of my womb.
Something more grand and beautiful occurred in the midst of this disappointment and grief. I was confronted with the great and loving God wanting to be my comfort. As much as another pregnancy would fill me with joy, it cannot replace the one I lost and more importantly, it can not replace the love and comfort from the Lord. God knows that a pregnancy wouldn't fill that void in my heart... only HE can.
It might not make sense to a lot of people, but we know that there was a life in me growing and in scripture it says that God is with us from the time of conception (Gen 2:7, Psalm 139: 13-16, Luke 1:26-46 for examples). We had a sense of loss and mourning because it was a life that was now gone. We prayed and both felt like God gave us a sense it was a girl, so we decided to name her GLORIA RUSSELL. We named her Gloria because we felt like she never left God's Glory... going straight up in to heaven.
On Monday, February 21st Joel and I went up to the mountains and had some closure. We got a single white rose, found a beautiful spot by the river and let go. We read some scripture, prayed and just had some time to mourn. When people die here on earth, there are memorial services and funerals to bring closure. When women miscarry, there isn't an opportunity to have that same closure. This was a beautiful way to honor her and an act to symbolize that we are ready to move on knowing she is in her full, perfect formed body in heaven.
I really thought that by February 21st, we would have another baby on the way. That should help me to move on, get through the day and the feeling of emptiness with the one we lost. From the time we lost ours, a lot of people would say, "don't worry, you will get pregnant again." I knew right away that I needed to give grace to those that were really trying to help... not always knowing the right thing to say. The truth is, another pregnancy doesn't replace the one I have lost. There is still a mourning and an emptiness that goes with a miscarriage. And, even though I knew this in my head I was still hoping that when February 21st rolled around I would be pregnant; having that to look forward to, helping me get through that day.
Well, that day did come up and I wasn't pregnant (still am not). Even though consciously I wasn't aware that I really was putting my hope in another pregnancy, I was. So as the day approached and I didn't have another baby to look forward to, I was faced with the still emptiness of my womb.
Something more grand and beautiful occurred in the midst of this disappointment and grief. I was confronted with the great and loving God wanting to be my comfort. As much as another pregnancy would fill me with joy, it cannot replace the one I lost and more importantly, it can not replace the love and comfort from the Lord. God knows that a pregnancy wouldn't fill that void in my heart... only HE can.
It might not make sense to a lot of people, but we know that there was a life in me growing and in scripture it says that God is with us from the time of conception (Gen 2:7, Psalm 139: 13-16, Luke 1:26-46 for examples). We had a sense of loss and mourning because it was a life that was now gone. We prayed and both felt like God gave us a sense it was a girl, so we decided to name her GLORIA RUSSELL. We named her Gloria because we felt like she never left God's Glory... going straight up in to heaven.
On Monday, February 21st Joel and I went up to the mountains and had some closure. We got a single white rose, found a beautiful spot by the river and let go. We read some scripture, prayed and just had some time to mourn. When people die here on earth, there are memorial services and funerals to bring closure. When women miscarry, there isn't an opportunity to have that same closure. This was a beautiful way to honor her and an act to symbolize that we are ready to move on knowing she is in her full, perfect formed body in heaven.
When we left for the mountains in the morning, everything was frosted, cold and still. Even though the wind was blowing, nothing was moving. When we were driving back down the canyon later that day, it was like everything came to life again. You could see the wind moving the trees, the river was flowing more freely. It seemed like a perfect visual of where we were emotionally. We were stuck, putting our Hope in the wrong thing, not fully having closure. After we released our baby girl, we weren't stuck anymore. Life moved on.
After our time there, both Joel and I felt so lavished in God's love for us. He could have disciplined us harshly for not putting our hope in Him, but he didn't. He fixed our eyes back on him in such a loving way knowing that was the only way to have freedom and true comfort.
I started a miscarriage group at my church this year. Walking this journey with these women has really opened my eyes to the fact that suffering can lead to a deeper intimacy with the Lord. There is nothing more joyful and freeing as that! God is using this experience in my life to mold me to be more like him, but also to help others!
Gloria was never "supposed" to be here on February 21st. She is exactly where she is supposed to be. I will always remember and miss Gloria, but I can finally say that I am at peace with where she is.
5 comments:
How beautiful this is for so many! Gloria, you were perfect in every way and have touched so many hearts! Love and prayers to your mom, dad and brother!
Oh, Lisa! I have tears in my eyes now. What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing!
What a sweet gift to get a glimpse into your heart Lisa. Thanks for sharing honestly about this hard, yet beautiful journey. Gloria is a beautiful name, and Praise Be to God that Gloria is the Lords. Thank you for your story...you are beautiful.
A good friend linked me to your blog. I have recently experience a miscarriage (in fact, am in the midst of the experience), and your writing touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart, and some of your experience. It is a deep blessing to connect with other women who have walked this same path. It is a true help and ministry. I thank the Lord for His good gifts, and one of them is relationship that draws us closer into His presence. Thanks for your willingness to relate! Blessings to you and your family.
i loved everything about this blog. so real, so open, so in awe of God's grace towards us. thanks for a great example of mourning well and laying hard things at the foot of the cross. gloria is singing praises to her King!
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