Called Out

Joel and I were asked to share our story at our denomination's annual regional meeting last week.  It was such an honor and we were overwhelmed by the response, especially because we are in the midst of it right now.  We don't have a conclusion or a "happy ending" - Who does anyway?  Since I have been on a blogging hiatus, I thought I would open my blogging back up by sharing this story.  I figured if we shared it with a bunch of strangers we might as well share it with my 5 followers!  

These are just our notes, so they might seem a little scattered, but you'll get the point. 

I.                    Introduction: (Joel)

My name is Joel and this is my wife Lisa and we have a 4 year old son named Isaiah.  We have been here at the Fort Collins ECC for 6 years.  This is our story:  Boy meets girl.  They get married; they have a baby; and they live happily ever after.  The End.  Right?  We dreamed about how many kids we were going to have, how far apart in age they were going to be, and their names- It was the American dream.  2.5 kids, a dog and a white picket fence.  Things haven’t exactly turned out the way we expected.  2 years ago, we thought it was that time to start trying for our 2^nd baby. 

It only took us 2 months and we were overjoyed with the positive pregnancy test, only to find out shortly after that we had miscarried. 

II.                  Infertility and Depression (Lisa)

Miscarriage is such a difficult thing to go through because you are mourning a life you really never knew.  However, God took us both on a beautiful journey of healing and comfort.  Since Miscarriages are so common we thought we were going to be able to have another one right away.   2 years later we still have not had that positive pregnancy test.   There are so many women that struggle with infertility who haven’t been able to have any children of their own, so we know that we are incredibly blessed to at least have one.  It actually makes us more thankful realizing what a miracle Isaiah is.  I went through several tests, ultrasounds, hormones, charting and everything always came back as normal.  They couldn’t figure out what was going on.  If you know anyone who has struggled with infertility, it’s a vicious cycle every month of getting your hopes up only to be crushed.  It’s draining, stressful and painful.  Miscarriage is hard enough, but infertility after a miscarriage is rough.  As much as I felt God’s healing through our loss, I felt like I was stuck in the grief because I couldn’t move forward.  I thought the only way to move on was to have another one to look forward to.  I can honestly say it was the darkest time of my life.  I was angry.  It was hard for me to even go to church, there were so many others getting pregnant around me.  I think I counted 13 friends at one point who were pregnant or had newborns. I was in the midst of a faith crisis, doubting His faithfulness and plan for our life. I was mad at God, not understanding why He would withhold this blessing and desire of my heart. Adding financial struggles, a family crisis, family members sick, job stress and health issues on top of it…we were in a pit!  I sank into a deep depression last fall-not wanting to be around people, having a hard time even talking with God, not wanting to get out of bed.  I was completely consumed with my desire.  It’s crazy to me that Satan can take such a good thing, like wanting to have a baby and tweak it just enough to become a sin.  And it was sin I was living in. I was chained up with my desire believing the only way the chains would break was to see a positive pregnancy test.   Having a baby became an idol. 

III.               Called OUT (Joel)

But if we rewind a bit to last summer in the midst of this, we felt that we were at a point where we were filling more and more time with church activities and ministry within the church (which is vital and fulfilling), but something was missing.  God was nudging us to do more outside of the church.  We were also struggling financially and it seemed like every opportunity we were coming across had to do with writing a check.  We were frustrated.  We wanted to DO something.  We were quickly convicted that the whole point of getting fed and sharpened within church is to use it to GO OUT. 

There is something deep down inside of us that cannot be satisfied until we are pouring out what is getting poured in. 

We started praying and it led to a question:

 “If we had the perspective of being missionaries in Northern Colorado, how would our lives look different?” 

That is when Foster care started coming up. We don’t even remember exactly where it came from.  We had considered adopting before but it wasn’t until we heard the shocking statistics of the abused and neglected in our own city that we began looking into Foster Parenting. For example, a 7 year old girl being sold for sex so her parents would have drug money or an infant going through drug withdrawal because her mom was addicted to meth while breastfeeding.  Everywhere we turned Foster Care came up- sermons, conversations, even movies. God was breaking our heart for what breaks his.

God really got our attention at the end of last summer when we heard a great sermon that said “Go Out” – "say Yes"…Both Lisa and I felt a calling that day… But we weren’t ready yet.  We wanted to move forward, but we were a mess.  We wanted a definitive answer on pregnancy and Lisa’s depression was getting worse so we interpreted that as God closing doors.  But God was teaching us to say Yes. By submitting and drawing closer to His heart we found peace.

(Lisa)

So, we started our training after the first of the year (which was a cool story in itself as far as schedules and timing working out). We quickly felt confirmation all over the place. After every class we walked away feeling like this is it!  This is what we are called to. It was an actual, practical way to be Jesus’ Hands and Feet here in our community;  to love the broken, the sick, the poor, the orphans, the outcasts. It wasn’t just loving and taking care of these children, who really are the least of these...but it was also being God’s light and love to the birthparents.  Most of the birthparents come from generation after generation of addiction, abuse or neglect. After the first class, we were driving home and all I could hear was the word REDEMPTION.  God redeems all things.  He redeems us in all of our pain and heartache.  This wasn’t about us replacing the baby we lost or couldn’t have. We couldn’t fathom wanting anything more than another baby, but Jesus beautifully uprooted a deeper desire that has been there our whole life. His Desire. His Kingdom Purpose for us. 

It seemed like the closer we were getting to living out His purpose in our lives, the more joy and peace we felt.  With help, I was finally coming out of the fog of depression. God’s word was more alive and active than ever, giving me hope and peace as we handed over our desires to Him.  As we handed over our desire for another baby, God gloriously assured me one morning that he cared about that desire too. 

I was sitting at the table, eating my breakfast and doing my bible study when Isaiah asked me “Mommy, why do you draw in your Bible?”  I told him “God speaks to me through the Bible, so I underline the words so that I remember what he told me.”   He said, “Well Jesus tells me things in my Bible and I underline the words.”  I am pretty sure I said something snotty back to him like, “you don’t even know how to read”  Well, when I was getting ready to put him down for his afternoon I found his children’s bible on the floor of his room with an orange crayon sitting next to it.  This is what I found:

            

There was such a burden lifted from my heart that day.  Just knowing that God knows.  He doesn’t take it lightly.  He has a deliberate, orchestrated plan for our life.  He knows.  I was finally able to trust him with that.

(Joel)

Everything seemed to be falling in to place, but during the last week of our classes, I lost my job.  We were worried that this would interfere with getting certified.  But, sure enough within a couple of weeks I had a better, more consistent job with an incredible schedule, which should work out better with foster care. That is a story in itself, but it is more than we could have asked or imagined.

(Lisa)

The week after that happened I had surgery that determined the cause of my infertility. The surgeons were able to take care of it right away.  It is a huge praise and relief to finally have an answer.   

Conclusion ? : (Joel)

So here we are.  We started our home study on Monday and we should get placed in the next 30-60 days We are in the process of learning so much.  We wouldn’t be going through with foster care if the plans we had for ourselves worked out in our timing. More importantly, we wouldn’t know God as intimately as we do now because of everything we have been through.  And just like many parents learn to let their kids go when they move out or turn 18, we are learning to surrender Isaiah to God’s care.  We are learning that God didn’t plan for us to be foster parents without thinking about Isaiah.  We don’t really understand how all these different aspects of a possible pregnancy and foster care are going to mesh and when, but we are learning reverence.  Holy Submission to our great God and his deliberate plan for our life.  It’s a bit like stepping out on water, exciting and scary all at the same time! We are trusting in Him with excited expectation as we say yes and go out.  

If anyone would like to receive our emails regarding Foster Care, prayer requests and ways to support us- please email me at lisa.russell30@gmail.com