Embracing Pain

I can feel it starting to take root and soak in to my soul.  It catches me off guard throughout the day and it takes a few moments to catch my breath.  It's heavy- weighing down on my chest and taking all my thoughts hostage.  

Pain.

I signed up for it.... literally with my very own signature.  "Sign here to be a foster parent."  It should say, "sign here to have your heart broken."  I knew what I was in for, but now it has a face and a name.  He has taken a huge part of my heart with his big, deep brown eyes and his overwhelming smile.  My love for him is just as strong as my love for my own biological children. 

On May 23rd I have to release him for good.  I have to hand my son over to his adoptive family.  I celebrate in so many ways that he will be in his forever home safe and sound.  He will be loved, nutured and and brought up in the ways of the Lord.  I celebrate and I thank God that He has answered our prayers with this little life.

On May 23rd I also have to hand over a piece of my own heart.  I have to come back to the house where I watched him live and grow in his first 11 months of life.  I will hear the echo of his belly laugh as Isaiah runs by and his hungry cries in the middle of the night. 

Cue the pain. 

I spoke with another foster mom the other day and I am still sitting on her many wise "one-liners."  One of them being:

Hard does not mean "bad." 

The more I think about it- hard is good... although I don't have to like it.  Through pain we have the most growth, awareness and impact.  Through pain we have victory. 

My case worker keeps telling us that our foster son will know how to form healthy attachments- to be loved and love others because he was loved and nurtured in his first year of life. I am clinging to that because it makes all my heartache worth it. I want to live a life sacrifically. I want to be able to lay down my heart for the sake of the orphans.

The best model for this is Jesus himself.  He embraced the the utmost pain and heartache as he bore all of our sins, was tortured and hung on that old rugged cross.  He loved us so much that he was willing to take on pain at it's fullest just so we can have LIFE. 
To embrace the pain of releasing my foster son is to get a small glimpse of all the emotions our Savior endured. 

To embrace the pain is to need God in a more intimate way.
To embrace the pain is to know God in a more intimate way.
To embrace the pain is to become more like God.  

We try and avoid it at all costs, especially in our culture.  We actually pursue the opposite of pain.... maybe thats why I get so many questions of why I would sign up for something as crazy and heart-wrenching as foster care.  Believe me, I have asked myself this so many times... especially as I rock him to sleep or watch him discover something for the very first time.  But it's more than worth it-  To love him, have the time with him that I have had, to help him form "healthy attachments," to protect him for a season.. it's worth every bit of the pain.  Most of all, to know God and the pain he endured... even if it's just a small glimpse... makes it a beautiful painful experience that I wouldn't want to exchange for comfort.

I will laugh and soak up every moment I have left with my son until May 23rd. I will let myself cry when those emotions pertrude from the inside out. I will allow myself to feel, even if the feelings are hard. 

Being "healthy" doesn't mean that you have it all together or are void of pain in your life- Being healthy is looking pain straight in the eye and embracing it.