Alive and Active

It was a Saturday in May and Joel and I were working all day in the yard fixing our flower garden.  I was looking forward to going to an awareness event for human sex trafficking that night with a dear friend.  I rarely have Saturdays off since I coordinate weddings, so I was happy to have this day off to spend working in the yard and learning about a cause I deeply care about.  Getting ready for the event, I took a shower and it hit me quickly after that.  I couldn't stop throwing up.  I wanted to go so bad, but I was so sick.  Quite a few friends were sick the week before with a 12-24 hour bug, so I knew I caught it.  I felt sick the next day, but wasn't throwing up anymore.  Monday I had company over for lunch and felt pretty good...but as soon as they left, back at the porcelain throne throwing up again.... and again... and again.  

This is weird.  I thought it was just a 24 hour bug.  I am worse today than Saturday night.

Do I dare even think it?  I do have a pregnancy test left in the cabinet.  But, I vowed to NEVER take that pregnancy test unless I was 99% sure I was pregnant.  (If you have struggled with infertility, you know how awful and depressing the negative tests are).    At this point, Joel and I really "shut down" to the fact that we would ever get pregnant again.  As hard as it was, we came to the realization that it might never happen and we need to move on... although it was such a big desire of our hearts.  

I am thinking of the dream I had the Wednesday night before this all happened.  It was so vivid.  Taking the pregnancy test.  Seeing 2 lines.  Running into Joel's arms holding the test, just weeping in joy.  

I have had lots of these dreams over the past 2 years.... they are like a form of torture, allowing you to get your hopes up.  Maybe it's a sign from God that THIS is the month... and then it never is... 

This dream was vivid.  I feel like I could really see those 2 lines that I desired so bad.  

So, as I am throwing up I am thinking about the dream.  I am thinking about how I am just 2 days late.  

No, it couldn't be. Do I dare?  

"Ok, Lisa... just take it so you can get it out of your head and if you ever think you are pregnant again you can go to the dollar store and get another pregnancy test."  

So I did it.  As I am rolling my eyes and preparing to be upset... again... I pee on the stupid stick that only gives me 1 stupid line.  

No way!  the second line was showing up...right away.  Shut up!  OMG! OMG! OMG!  

After several minutes of disbelief, crying, screaming, praising Jesus looking at the test, throwing the test, walking away, coming back to the test to look at it again.. Isaiah comes up to my bedroom and asks what is going on.  

Isaiah: "Mom, what is wrong with you" 

Me: "Oh my Gosh, Oh my Gosh.  Wow.  Wow. No way.  Are you kidding?!?!?  What?!?!?!"

Isaiah holding his hand up in the air:  "Mom, CALM DOWN! What is going on?" 

Me:  I sat him down next to me.  "Isaiah, you are going to be a big brother.  I have a baby growing in my tummy."  

Isaiah: "Oh, girls like that.  That's what girls like to do."  

I love how he said it so matter of fact... ya mom, of course you are!  

We were in shock, sharing the joy with Joel was priceless.  He was speechless.  But that night was awful.  I was plagued with awful dreams and a voice taunting me "Ya, you're finally pregnant but you are going to lose it just like you lost Gloria."  I tossed and turned all night fighting the fear and anxiousness about what could happen and having flashbacks of miscarrying.   

The next morning, I sluggishly opened my Bible for some quite time.  I randomly opened it to chapter 65 in Isaiah... and these were 2 verses I read:  

“Never again will there be in it    an infant who lives but a few days..."   verse 20 

They will not labor in vain, 
    nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune; 
for they will be a people blessed by the Lord,    they and their descendants with them.   verse 23

Instantly I felt the anxiousness cease.  Wow... God answered my fear so quickly and gave me His very Word to hold on to.    

I got to see a little, itty bitty heartbeat 3 weeks ago when I was only 7 weeks along.  The baby was measuring under and there was concern that it wasn't growing.  I was tempted to be thrown in to the pit of anxiety as I am imagining the baby not making it, but I had 2 rock solid verses to cling unto during those times.  


Last Thursday, I had my 11 week ultrasound.  I saw a happy little one kicking, sucking her thumb and showing off with a STRONG heartbeat.  


Blessed and grateful for this miracle:  

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.                           
Hebrews 4:12 

The Bible is old... really old.  So, how can it be that it's living and active?  How can it not be?  The Spirit of the Living God lives in us and God uses His Word to speak into our inner being.  It's unfathomable how God moves and lives and has his being.... but He does.  He is THAT BIG!  Yet, He is small enough to hear us in our own pain, fear and confusion.  He is there to speak to us in every moment and situation we are going through. He spoke to me through his Word and I know he will speak to each of you too if you open yourself up to hearing Him through his ALIVE and ACTIVE Word.